So I was reading a camera flash article... and it comes down to this:

My internal flash is a piece of crap
Join the club. Millions of members. You pay your dues every day by taking crap photos with it.

My external flash is, always has been, and should have let me know that it is a piece of crap as well.
Crap!

Third-party cheap flash units are pieces of crap
"Third party cheap" is French for crap. Everyone knows that.

Photography using internal flash is crap
See membership invite above...

Photography using external flash has a medium-to-good chance of being crap, unless you are skilled/fortunate/wealthy
*please GOD let me be skilled/fortunate this weekend, because wealthy ain't gonna happen!*

TTL is crap
Yeah, that was a stunner, eh

A-TTL is slightly more complex crap
With a flaccid, yet perky bouquet...

E-TTL is currently the best option. Still crap, but the best.
Woohoo! I have the best crap!

420EX is only going to light up really close crap, like ornaments and small children
Small children should never be lit. It's against the law!

430EX will light up slightly less close crap, slightly better, like drunk people
Good thing I'm taking mine to a wedding.

580EXII will light up small airfields, make you crap yourself, and doubtless give other people eye cancer
Finally, ONE case where cancer is good!

So from there, I have some questions...
The article was supposed to be ANSWERS!

Why did the same assholes who sold me a Panasonic camera and this wonderful but every so slightly outdated EOS 30D also sell me a braindead Starblitz 250BAZ?
The assholes were brain dead too. It's a package deal.

Why would anyone call a flash unit BAZ?
Luhrmann fan

Do you think things would work better if I purchased an E-TTL sticker for BAZ?
It's what's inside that counts. But if a sticker makes you feel better...

If they are flash guns, do you need a license to carry one?
Only if you're planning on shooting people with... oh, I see your point.

Is it true that you posses a better than crap 430EX?
It is true! My flashing is better than crap. But if I don't get out and buy a transmitter I'll never have a slave.

Do they really eat snails in France What about frogs legs?
Yes. And snails were good -- garlicky. Frogs legs have been banned by the Coaltion To Save Kermit. Whaddayagonnado

Do you have a recommendation for the purchase of a gen-u-ine Canon Speedlite flash?
You have a 30D. Go for it. Go ALL THE WAY. And yes, we can do the buy/ship thing.

Is a 580EXII classed as a lethal weapon?
There's legislation in progress.

Would a Speedlite be able to capture the motion of a Starblitz as it flew through the air towards a brick wall?
I'm certain of it! The question is, do you want to use first or second curtain sync

Did you know that cats and dogs have green-eye What about lawyers No, of course dogs don't have lawyers. What was I thinking?
Cats eat lawyers.

What mode do you generally run your camera in when you are using the force your Speedlite?
P or AV.

I hope this is a good way to start your day. :-)
I almost crapped myself. :)